Solitude is Only What We Make of It
by Kuro49
Summary: RK. Love is a crazy affair, we are careful because none of us could afford to fall in love now. We don’t believe in superficial love and so solitude means nothing to us.


More RK from Kuro, just can't escape from the love XDD A fic to explored the terrible feeling of loneliness, let's see how our beloved pair make of it. As always I don't own.

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**Solitude is Only What We Make of It**

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The tall grown grass stood up to our knees. The otherwise barren landscape made me feel a pang of hopelessness. I turned to you and you gave me a thin smile that held no feelings, I returned it with everything I got and we were on the same level again.

You lived in a web of lies and make belief.

And I lived in a world of history and reality.

_Please rescue me._

My voice died out even before it left my lips. But I knew that you saw the way my lips moved, you knew what I said, I can see it in your eyes. But how come you looked away?

We weren't friends; we made it clear on the day our lips met.

Don't let go yet, hold on to me tonight. Our bodies pressed closer together, I couldn't see your expression in the dark but I felt the curve of your body against mines. With fingers tangled into each other's hair, we lost ourselves to one another on a particular moonless night. In the dark corner of the room we placed urgent kisses on heated skin.

But we weren't lovers; we both knew it the moment our lips met.

Lovers share a deeper passion, full of desires and a hope to last till forever. I don't wish to keep you till the end as I wrapped an arm around your waist. You leaned in closer to me and words of empty promises were said but we both knew that there was nothing behind them. I murmured against your lips and you let me do as I pleased. We only shared kisses and touches, what we have was only skin deep.

A skin deep relationship, we can leave when we want and we can stay if we liked. There was nothing that could hinder with our emotions; there was nothing that held us down. Love is a crazy affair that is in neither of our hands, we tread our grounds carefully because none of us can afford to fall in love now.

The moon was hazy tonight, the clouds blocked out its reflected sun rays. Now it was just a paler shape against the skies. The grass was still up to my knee and you were still right beside me, your sealed lips are the best promise of our secret being safe. This was the sixth mission we had together without Bookman along. On this certain night you led me out and pulled me to an empty field like this, I was surprised when you had the time to find this place with grass as high as your knees and no trees as far as you looked.

I looked back at you but your pale face was covered by your long bangs, I couldn't tell what you were thinking but neither could you, because since the moment you led me here you haven't even spared me a glance.

"Rabi, wake up." Your voice rang out, cutting through my blurry thoughts and bringing me back to reality. I sit up groggily and rub at my eye as I yawned loudly.

I looked at the ticking clock at the side table and it said, 2:37. I groaned lightly and was about to lay back down when you took a hold of my arm with a stubborn grip. "What is it, Yuu?" I asked, voice still laced with sleep.

"Wake up." You just repeated I sensed a hint of desperation in your voice but I couldn't be sure.

"...you aren't going to tell me, are you?" I raised an eyebrow and slowly crawled out of bed. My comment was replied with a glare to the back of my head.

"I am getting up." I resist the urge to yawn again as I slipped on my clothes and adjusted the eye patch on my right eye. "Come on." You took a hold of my hand as soon as I pulled on my boots.

And then you held on to my hand tightly as you pulled me through darkened streets. We jogged till we arrived at the edge of the small town and then you took off on a sprint, the grip you had on my hand never lessened.

Your hair was still tied up in that high pony tail; in fact I don't remember you going to sleep at all. Maybe you hadn't, I blinked and continued to keep up with your quickening steps. "Where are we going?" I gasped out to you on the course of the running as blurs of green pass by my vision.

You didn't answer me but your grip tightened around my hand and I knew that wherever we were going, it would be fine. I trusted you with more than I ever thought I could give out. You accepted without even a hint of surprise and I truly liked you for that, it made me smile because you were the only one who saw me as a Bookman apprentice and not another one of my alias.

I ran on with you always in front of me. The darkened features of the night flitted quickly at the corner of my eye, and when you suddenly stopped, I almost crashed right into you.

"Watch out." Your familiar voice warned me as my nose almost connected with your shoulder blade. I stood there as I slowly caught my breath. "Sorry, Yuu." I apologized halfheartedly.

You didn't tell me why we were here and I wasn't a nosy person to go around asking. I know you will tell me when the time is here, there was no point in rushing. It was just easier to stand by you and wait, besides this is all I can do for now.

Held down by a curse in a dying lotus; day by day you lose a bit more of yourself. And I got the special privilege of watching it all as it happens

But I was no better, pinned by a pledge to the clan of the Bookmen, sealed by a jar of ink to forever become a bystander. And you watched in silence when the stress got too much and I was driven to the breaking point.

The decaying world was a wake up call to us both. As the rubbles fell from above and the stench of their blood all around us. We saw hopelessness, nothing but it, but none of us wanted to give up. The names of the dying exorcists will remain in our hearts, we won't forget for the sake of never being forgotten.

I looked at you as you looked up at the forever stretch of darkness. I didn't call your name for the fear of breaking your trance; I watched and listened to your erratic breathing. And then I noticed as my gaze dropped, our hands were still together.

Suddenly you turned your head and stared at me with those opaque blue eyes that seemed to glow in the dark. "Yuu…" My lips parted and I didn't even recall any thoughts before murmuring your name.

"Is it fun to watch as human beings drop to their lowest form?" You asked, a hint of wondrous respect laced your tone.

"It was once amusing… but it no longer interests me." I told you the truth. The very first time, I was fascinated at how someone can drop to their knees and cried till they were dried of tears. But that was the first time, now I was numbed to the feeling of loss, it no longer pains me, it was only a routine now.

"How about me?" You asked with a small hint of a smile on your face. I think you are possibly the only person that I can never truly grasp. You twirled a long strand of ebony with a finger as you regarded me with those emotionless eyes once more.

"I don't think I could watch." I tilted my head to the side, red bangs blocked my vision. I was telling you the truth, you saw me for who I am, a Bookman apprentice, not Rabi, my 49th alias, I had to at least give you some credit for that.

"But I am just another human being." Your lips slowly curled into a smirk, it interests you to hear me state my view of things. From my point of view I see you as Yuu, Kanda Yuu, not another exorcist who will throw his life away for this battle with the Earl because you had a greater reason behind your fights that meant more to you than the world.

"Maybe when I recognize you as just more ink in a jar, maybe then I will watch with the eyes of a Bookman." You knew me as Bookman Junior and I saw you as Kanda Yuu, we were both on the same level, we were even. I can't treat you as ink now because if I did than I was merely ink too.

"I love you." Your lies are getting more outrageous by the moment, maybe that's why you amuse me more than most people would. Those three simple words that held more feelings than any other words in the human language but yet it was so easily brushed aside by us. Was it because we never believed in such things as superficial love?

"Don't lie." I lightly shook my head, a worn out smile on my face. It has been a while that I kept Rabi's mask on, my true character is slowly seeping out and you watched it all with an amused and knowing glint in your eyes. It was scary how much you can catch on sometimes.

"What if I say it wasn't a lie?" You blinked your icy blue eyes, although we both knew that this was only a play of words. Love to us was empty promises full of heartbreak, we were better off by ourselves.

"Then it has to be a joke." We both had identical looks in our eyes; we both knew that this was only a joke. Love was never meant for us, we won't sacrifice ourselves for someone else because we were both selfish beyond recognition.

You leaned in and laid your warm lips on mine's, I took in your airy scent. I felt your lips on mine's at least a dozen times, I was familiar with them but this time what lay behind your kiss was something that was even vague to me. I couldn't read your thoughts; thick black lashes framed your closed eyes.

"It really won't be as interesting when you are gone." You remarked, the taste of me still lingered on your lips.

It seems that you already guessed what Bookman planned to do; you really do catch on much quicker than most would.

"I guess I will miss you too?" I raised an eyebrow, green orb held only respect for you.

"No you won't." You gave me a look and I just couldn't help but laugh lightly. We let go of one another's hands and I felt a rush of freedom that was short lived. It was now replaced by a sense of loneliness. But loneliness is only a state of the heart, nothing more than what we want it to be. It doesn't hurt to be alone but it will hurt if we want it to get to us.

"You are right, I really won't." I leaned in and looked at him, regarding him with the eye of Bookman. "But it's not like you will miss me either."

You open your eyes and look through all those lies and make belief stories just as I struggle to look pass the thick maze of history and all the sad truths. But in the end we know that we could never escape from what we were meant to do and so we stop struggling and let it play out.

_Please rescue me._ I understood now, neither of us was meant to save or be saved.

We looked at one another, I reached out and you mirrored me.

But our finger tips never touched.

And we fell from one another, spiraling down into the depth of loneliness.

Because solitude is only what we make of it and so loneliness was just another useless emotion.

XXX Kuro

I think that it was a little angst in a way…? But I really like the mood of it, it wasn't too heavy on the RK love, seems more realistic I guess? XD Guess what started this whole fic? _The tall grown grass that stood up to our knees. _Yup, it really was the grass that started this whole fanfiction. Don't ask why… Anyways review?


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